Memoirs of a Girl
by Sailor Angie
Summary: I was inspired by a letter that someone wrote to a friend of mine after he broke up with her (the letter is in the fic), any ways it's semi-ture, and I'm sorry if Darien and Serena are out of character.


Memoirs of a Girl

Everything was going great; I mean I couldn't have had a care in the world. Weirdest thing was that Darien had been acting strange. I mean he would I dunno, almost look at me different at the arcade. All the girls think that he has a crush on me. Normally I would just brush something like this off, but I think this time, they might be right. . . that has got to be a first.

I'm still not quite sure what happened that rainy night. Darien said he would walk me home. I wasn't going to refuse someone to latch onto should some thunder sound. It had been raining on and off during the day. You know what I mean, just one of those crappy days that you should stay inside and sleep or chat on the internet while drinking hot chocolate type of days.

Suddenly it just plain began to downpour. We were both soaking wet, I was shivering like a banshee, and of all things Darien began to laugh. I asked him what was so funny but he did not reply. He instead draped his coat around me, and led me underneath an overhang to stay dry. Funny thing is, he didn't come under with me. He just stood in the rain. The water pouring down his face. He just smiled, and almost glowed; I was speechless.

I was still shivering slightly when he approached me under the overhang, and just enveloped me. He was so warm, and I had no idea just how to go about coaxing myself out of this situation. This side of Darien, I felt it was something exclusive to only me. His aroma was a delicate hint of musk; it embodied his masculinity, and only again reminded me of how hard it would be to let go of him. And then his mouth descended upon mine in pure heat (or lack thereof) of the moment. A mixture of roses and pure passion greeted my welcoming mouth. Never before had I felt so intoxicated. My first kiss was everything I had hoped it would be and so much more.

Moments later when I forced us apart because of a hard rumble, I realized that the very overhang we were standing under was Darien's apartment building. He asked me up, and I agreed. You might think this story is going hentai, but you might forget that I'm far from over. You might also forget that after such a kiss I was still in awe, shock, and very much disoriented; you might even say that Darien took advantage of me after this point in time. What occurred next I render must be one of the most intimate moments of my life. We did nothing more than kiss, maybe a bit of touching, nothing below the waste however. Everything just seemed like it was destiny, so profound.

During those moments, I couldn't have been happier. This wonderful man was caressing my face, telling me that he never wanted me to leave his sight, letting his soft lips brush up against mine. I would like nothing more than to go back to those few trices. Looking back on it, I can't even remember how I managed to maneuver my way out of his apartment. All I know is that I think of that brief time almost everyday of my life. I just wonder why I gave in so easily, why I let him do the things he did to me. Not only that day, but the many days following. . .

Some of it must have been my fault. I mean I guess; they say it takes two to tango. Darien had after all told me in the beginning that he never had success with commitment. I have to admit the age difference did bring about some intimidation on my part. Neither of us ever raised our voices, I never told him what I really had thought either. I think part of me thought that if I did, he might think I was stupid, and I would never get to taste him again, never be able to breath him in one more time. And when we did kiss, or he would let me linger near him I did act as though it might be our last. I had no idea what else to do.

He never would talk about himself, which did sometimes bug me. I would babble on endlessly about my life, only because I thought he enjoyed it, he looked like he did. However, when I would ask him questions he would change the subject or tell me it was getting late, or say he had to go to the bathroom. I was absolutely enraptured in everything about him, yet what did I really know about him at all? I was in love with a man I hardly knew. . .

Then one day he hit me with a box of bricks. "I don't think we should see each other any more Serena. I just don't see where this is going, and I'm not sure of anything that we have. I'm sorry."

I couldn't let him go, I just couldn't let go with out a fight. "How can you say that? It was never my ear you whispered into, but my heart. It was never my lips that you kissed, but my soul. I will never forget the way you made me feel, so true, so open. I hope that in the future we can indeed be together, hand in hand, arm in arm, heart in heart, and mind in mind. You are my friend, my lover, my soul mate. I'll never forget you and how much I care for you, and it will never change with the passing days, seasons, or years. There will always be that spot in my heart. I have never felt like this before towards anyone, and I thank you for that. I'm just sorry that it has to end like this." I turned my back to him and walked away. I never cried about what happened. I guess I was in awe, shock, and very much disoriented.

And this is where the past stops and now begins. So Darien and I had a nice thing going. If he thought that ending it was the best for both of us, then I have no other choice than to accept what has happened. I very much trusted Darien, and I still do. If he thought someone would get hurt worse in the future, then it was right to end it when he did. But why does it hurt so much to think about it? Why do I get a lump in my throat when I remember those first minutes we had together? There is this pain forever etched into my heart. . . my broken heart. His kiss, his touch... so gentle...yet so poisonous to my heart. . .

Weeks passed, things didn't change that much. Well, relatively speaking. I acted like nothing had happened when I was around the girls, but at home, when I was alone all I did was act miserable, and mope around everywhere. What else could I do, the love of my life was no longer in my life. He didn't ever come to the arcade anymore, and he just plain avoided me. I was so lonely one night I sat up and wrote him a letter. I keep it with me, but I'd never give it to him. He'd know what I really felt. I just wonder if he only knew just what I felt would he have done and said what he did?

There are very few pleasures anymore. I went to the arcade today, and I was talking to Andrew about it. "Yeah, so I wrote this letter, saying everything I really felt. Kinda funny how pathetic I am."

"I don't think it's funny Serena. It seems to me that you've been hurting for a long time, and you just wouldn't tell anyone. I can talk to Darien if you want."

"Thanks, but no thanks Andrew. If Darien ever loved me, he would have called, he would have talked to me somehow. But I'm letting him go." I picked up the letter and threw it in the garbage. "I have said good bye to my baggage, and I am officially moving on."

"Good for you Serena." Andrew encouraged.

"I'm gonna go, I have to study for a math test I'm gonna flunk tomorrow. Thanks for the pep talk. Bye Andy." If you are at all curious, the letter read as follows:

_Dear Darien,_

Being that I never know what to say when I talk to you on the phone or when we are alone, I decided to write my feelings down. I never understand why it's so hard for me to let go of you. It's been so hard just holding on to you and staying "friends" that I'm not sure what's what anymore. I can't seem to separate the feelings I had from the feeling I now endure. Also the fact that the only thing that is keeping me from having an all out breakdown is my imagination because it hasn't hit there yet. Give it time... Why don't you ever want to talk about you? I know that you're scared to make commitments you told me when we were going out.

A relationship came as a surprise to me. Its like you don't want the relationship, only the feelings and romance. Which is what we have been doing so our lines must have been switched. I don't want you to take this the wrong way because I feel the same way but how in the world can you say "no" to "TRUE" love? When you say you don't want this and your afraid to do that. That's what love is you live learn and make mistakes, and you over all just live. You have to believe me when I say that I have always loved you and it just grew so much this past what... few weeks. That's might be one reason why I'm taking this so hard.

Its like I lost a friend, but your still here that's what I don't understand. I haven't loved any one as much as I love you. I don't know what to call it. Is it true love I don't know; is it just a crush? Certainly not. I may not ever know. All I know is that I just love you so much and am so afraid of loosing you and over all happiness that I just don't know what to do with myself. I know that you're not ready to make any kind of commitment(s), which I wasn't asking for. Because you would get scared and this will happen. I'm just as scared because I am afraid to get close due to the fact that I've never been in this position before. And you're the only one who I was totally comfortable around. I found myself in your arms and I thank you for being there. I was happy for the first time in what seemed like forever. Thank you so much. I'm sorry to bring that up but if you loved someone as much as you do why is making a remotely small commitment that wasn't even in the remote future a chance? You shot the bird before it even got a chance to fly.

The only thing that matters is that I liked you. I don't care what any one thinks. They don't know you like I do. They don't know the real Darien. The sweat, kind, loving Darien. Because that's what you are and that's why I'm just so stuck on you. I have never had any one like you in my life before. That's so like me have something going good in my life and I push it away. I don't know what to say anymore except that well you are my first and only true love. I will always expect guys to live up to your standards but I know that will be hard because there's so few good men out there, and I met one of them. I know I will end up writing another one of these if I don't get to talk to you soon. I think we need to talk.

Sincerely yours,

Serena

A lot to write I know. I told you it took me all night. Anyways, I needed to let a lot out, and that letter really helped me do just that. And now it was gone. Granted my feelings weren't in the garbage too, but it was close enough. I need to put myself back out there; I needed to get away from it all. You'll never guess what happened the next day though. I had just gotten let out of school, and no, I didn't have a detention today. Darien was waiting outside for me.

He ran to me, I dropped my books I was so surprised. And he just embraced me while whispering into my heart: "There may be loves found and lost, and my heart broken, but now, at this moment, the hope of love to come makes me smile. I never felt true love until I was with you, and I never felt true sadness until I made you leave me. True love cannot be found where it does not exist nor can it be hidden where it truly does. Once you find your true love, your heart will know it because it will always leave a feeling inside of you that never goes away. That feeling has never died inside me, and from what you said in your letter, it seems that it never left you either. So many times I thought I would never find someone to love me the way I needed to be loved. Then you came into my life and showed me what love really is. When I look into your eyes I see forever. If I could be with you forever, my life would be complete."

And I just surrendered, there was nothing more I could do, but ask him one last thing. "Then you may have me forever so long as you promise not to hurt me again."

And then there was this fury of roses and musk. I retracted for a moment, "What letter?!"

"The one Andy gave me, he said that you wanted me to read it."

"I'll get him if it's the la—" And there was his mouth again, so reassuring, everything I'll ever need. Ah, memoirs of a girl. . . 


End file.
